Stuffed animal method

So yesterday I got my ears pierced. As an adult. I went with my 7-year-old GodDaughter. We were both a little scared. The best part though? She brought me Snowball, a white stuffed bunny to help me through it. It was kind of extraordinary. This amazing. smart, 7 years old beautiful girl understood that she had tools to get her through the rough spots AND she was sharing them with me.

It helped. It honestly did. There was comfort in not being alone. We didn't live in fear, we sucked it up, grabbed something comforting and went for it. I feel different today.  Prouder and more motivated. Not only because I realized that asking for help and community is ok, but because her mom, of course, took photo's to remember this kinda significant moment. 

I've sort of set up this year to work through the demons holding me back. The darkness that, let's face it, is making me sick. And in digging through it all, I could become healthy, fit, thin, whatever. Looking at those pictures, was like an explosion. I had NO idea. Like literally I know what I weigh, but I also accessorize and style myself that gets more compliments than criticism. I walk at a good clip and can do a lot of sit-ups. I have an active imagination and am good at selfies. I literally had NO idea. 

While this is about the inner stuff, I am being stupid to think it's not about the other stuff. I couldn't have gotten to this point without hating myself in a way I didn't actually understand. I am killing myself, slowly and I think on purpose. That's hard to write. I don't think that consciously that could be further from the truth, but somewhere, that exactly what's happening. Until then. I am grabbing a stuffed animal.

To be continued.... 


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