The Big D


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Last Saturday I went to get blood drawn like I do every year. It's always fine. Got results back Monday. All fine. Like really fine, perfectly in the middle. Wednesday came and I got another message that test results were available. And there it was. 

Diagnosis: Diabetes. 

I felt and feel numb. Like I am watching a video from some time ago and I don't recognize the memory.  I was disappointed in myself of course, but that's nothing new. I text Charlene with "Trust Tree" because I've decided not to tell anyone, but Charlene. 

me: Ugh I have Diabetes

me: it's the fat people disease. It's not chic.

Char: No ma'am. One of the partners at my store is skinny and she's a diabetic.

me: you know what I mean.

Char: I do, but I won't let you think that way. 

Charlene is good people.

So, the big D. UGH. I think while it's nice to write about the internal stuff (or what I was planning to write about). I can go as deep as I freaking want, but it doesn't change the fact, that I've run out of time. The luxury of thinking I could talk my way out of my weight is gone.

I am a fucking certified health coach for god sake. This is ridiculous.

But here I am. The jig is up. That bullshit of "it's not what you're eating, it's what's eating you" is a crock of shit ultimately. I mean, I can do all the things for how I feel on the inside but If I am eating crap that's (not so slowly) killing myself, well it doesn't make a bit of difference, does it? And if I am being honest, I think if you feed yourself like you would someone you didn't care about, you can't care about yourself. I used to believe that if you got your shit together, like figured it all off, the weight and food issues would just fall away. Maybe because I was lazy, or maybe because it should work like that. 

I go back to the doc in 2 weeks. I have no real idea what to do. I am taking the meds, cutting out processed sugar and complex carbs and wait to see what's next.

Breakfast: Eggs with Herbs De Provence, 1/2 baked potato sliced and sauteed in a tiny bit of vegan butter.                                                                                                                                          Lunch: Salad from Wegmans. Mixed greens, corn salsa, Tabbouleh, peppers, artichoke hearts, garbanzo beans, lemon juice.                                                                                                                Snack: Blueberries and seaweed (not together). 

I haven't decided on dinner yet.

I realize that it may be a lot of fruit or carbs or whatever, but I am feeling good. I am not going to get frozen processed low card crap. 

Week ending -4lbs.